Greece threatened by Egypto-Judeo-Mesopotamian conspiracy

Yesterday (6.28), at exactly 3:00 pm local time, the new U.S. Intelligence chief contacted his Greek counterpart of the Greek Central Intelligence Agency with valuable information concerning an underground meeting amounting to a serious Egypto-Judeo-Mesopotamian conspiracy. The conspirators, all of them claiming to be serious mathematicians, physicists and/or engineers, claimed that they wanted, based on innocent motives and purely applied criteria, to introduce τ as a new constant for the ratio of the length of the circumference of a circle over its radius, i.e., for the number 2*π. However, the new U.S. intelligence operatives immediately infiltrated the cell of co-conspirators, revealing the true mid-term intentions of this conspiracy. The conspirators were hoping that, by coming up with similar demands of introducing a new lowercase Greek letter for a multiple of π every year, they would eventually be able to exhaust all letters of the Greek alphabet by reserving them for the denotation of mathematical constants. (You may be hearing gun shots in the background; our staff and our embedded reporters are under fire, but we will continue updating you with the latest developments.) The ultimate goal was that, after exhausting all lowercase Greek letters, the mathematical community would be forced to adopt letters from the Assyrian script, the Hebrew alphabet and the Egyptian hieroglyphs, so that they would be able to replace all the Greek letters no longer available.

After the Greek Intelligence chief became aware of the imminent danger and the disproportionate and multi-facet damage that such a move would inflict on the memories of Archimedes, Pythagoras and all their immediate and distant family descendants and countrymen, an immediate contact was established with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. The message was conveyed  from the Papagou garison in Athens to the ministry, a block away from Syntagma square, by means of a tank, after detailed instructions of the vice president of the government Pangalos, who has a particular affinity for this kind of vehicles because of his upbringing and his size, but also because no funds could be found to fill up any civilian vehicle with gas. After the message arrived at the ministry, the enormity of the danger was dully appreciated, even though the new super computer support equipment of the Ministry of Finance to combat tax evasion is still being tested and its planned deployment is scheduled only for 2050. Agreement was immediately sought from the leader of the opposition Samaras, who did not indicate clearly whether he agreed or disagreed, but was pondering over the issue after having been called by Merkel and Sarkozy, who had been called by Papandreou and Venizelos. Support was also sought from various people motivated by the democratic semi-pro-European-semi-anti-European left, some of whom were demonstrating and some of whom were clashing with police in downtown Athens.

Finally, a contact was established with the local Greek consular authorities in Egypt, Israel and Iran. Mr. Papadoglou, the Greek consul in Basra, received a phone call while in his bathing suit in the Persian gulf and immediately dressed up and took the first train to Tehran to meet with the Iranian authorities. No funds for other means of trasportation were available; the intention is to bypass Ahmadinejad and meet directly with the Mullahs to get to the bottom of the conspiracy as soon as possible. News arriving through our partners in France, that cannot be independently verified because the Israeli government is restricting access to foreign journalists, claim that Mr. Papadakis, the Greek consul in Tel Aviv, who had also been in his bathing suit when contacted taking a dip in the Mediterranean, is now been flown by a Russian Tupolev, last repaired during a state visit of Gorbachev to East Germany, to Jerusalem to ask for some explanations on the developing conspiracy. There are also some unconfirmed local reports that Mossad might be involved, although the Israelis, following customary practice, never confirm and never deny any similar allegations. The Greek government could not make any funds available for an IDF helicopter or a Mossad jeep, a personal gift from Bush to Sharon, which was initially sought for the trip. Our heroic colleagues from DeutcheValle are just right now informing us that the Greek consul, Mr. Papadopoulos, in Sharm El Sheikh was contacted while in his bathing suit and, after dressing up, left immediately with a sail boat following the Nile to Cairo to meet with the new post-revolutionary democratic dictators of Egypt to seek explanations. He was intending to take a Concord, but he had been vacationing for a while and had not heard of the withdrawal of the Concords. Moreover, as our German colleagues report, even if the planes had been available, no funds for the tickets would have been available, unless the parliament in Athens passes the new austerity measures. In any case, we are told that the Ambassador likes the waters of the Nile and he hopes that he will arive in Cairo on time even if he has to go by scooter, if only his pocket change suffices for the climbing prices of the required gallons of gas.

The consular authorities are trying to convince the local governments that the actions of the conspirators pose a threat to international peace and that they violate several of the articles of the Charter of the United Nations in which all four countries are signatories. In Athens a debate is raging between George Papandreou and Venizelos, on the one hand, and Pangalos, on the other. The former believe that showcasing the violations of the relevant U.N. Charter articles, encouraging cooperation on cultural and scientific matters, would be most effective. Pangalos, however, after claiming that, during the last few decades, we have all together eaten all the letters of the Greek alphabet (especially since he himself has been using them for dinner), insists on the effectiveness of threatening Egypt, Iran and Israel with the use of C130's to transport tanks to Tehran, Jerusalem and Cairo. Such a threat, according to him, would exploit the Freudian subconsciousness of the people in these countries, who have experienced war or recent unrest, and would cause them to become scared shitless and their governemnts to give in as a result. A vote of confidence might be unavoidable because of these strategic differences in the ruling party. Stay tuned for more developments. Will it be peace or war?